Ten steps back

I debated posting this truth......

a reality that has taken me all week to absorb and see clearly. 

Had a pretty big set back on Saturday after warming up my little home with my stove and having a nice yoga and meditation session just prior to planning my day of tasks... including to make sure my place was safe as well as finally finishing off trim and odds and ends.

I left to watch my kids football game them cruised over to Home Depot to buy a fire extinguisher, a proper ash bucket, and a floor protector to secure the area around my little stove. I also wanted to get some of those logs that clean out the flue and/or a brush so I could make sure there was no build up in the flue and so I could maintain it.

Then, I get the dreaded call from the marina ...

smoke coming out of my little home! 

The firemen have arrived because the marina didn’t have a key to get in.

“NOOOOO, FUUUUUUUCCCKKKK, NO PLEASE NOOOOO!” 

I scream into the phone crying instantly at the thought of all my hard work over the last year going up in flame!

How could this have happened?

I knew the door to the stove was closed when I left...I also knew the stove wasn’t completely cold either. In my haste to leave with a warm to the touch stove did I inadvertently cause this fire!?

How?! 

My mind raced and I went over my morning of ashes overflowing from the door opening. I had cleaned them all up before I left. I did realize there was one ember still glowing but it was small and I pushed it back into the stove securing the door feeling it would slowly and safely simmer out without any fuel nearby.

As my mind raced to find reasons and then switched back to the task at hand ...I focused on getting back to the marina as composed as possible. The drive from Home Depot to the marina was just long enough to help me control the tears enough to be rational, and then I walked onto the marina yard with my head held low.

“Im so sorry!” 

I muttered to one of the guys as I quickly walked passed him and the other onlookers in the yard...thinking of the phone call from earlier and how I didn’t want the marina to lose their trust in me. That I was responsible and trustworthy.

But I hardly believed it myself at the moment.

As soon as I climbed my ladder and saw the men in uniform my heart sank, and the tears began to roll down as I looked where they were looking.


“You are really lucky!” Was their mantra of comfort to me.

It wasn’t what was registering to me..,

LUCK!? 

but this was so unlucky...

What are the chances of having a fire hit your structure anyway? The little home next to mine never experienced this kind of “luck”!

The first thing I noticed was my Anderson sliding glass door completely broken!

 

Glass everywhere!

                                        
Then the octagon kitchen window...and then the floor bubbling up and burnt in one small section a few feet away from the stove.



 Then I noticed a fixed loft window also busted apart.

Seemed like the firemen did way more damage than the fire. 

I guess that was the luck they were talking about.   

The firemen told me they felt strongly the fire was caused by a drill battery discharging too near a drop cloth that had dried paint and chemicals on it...spontaneous combustion....yeah it actually DOES happen!

Notice where the battery and the cloth are..where the fire began

I have to admit, THAT actually made me feel glad...thankful that in their assessment it wasn't due to negligence on my part. It also felt pretty good when the inspector confirmed I had installed the stove properly and it was to code. They were all very kind and very impressed with the work I had done. (The firemen told me more than once how great he thought it was and how he wished he had one!)





Hindsight and time coupled with new perspectives are everything. and I am grateful for the time I had to sit in my sadness and despair and own it....working through the feelings allowed me to let them go within a reasonable amount of time.

                                     
Greg, the owner of Amesbury industrial, told me as much when I came in Saturday after the firemen gave me the clearance to start the cleanup. As I paid for the contractor's bags and the plastic sheets to put over the gaping holes in my home the tears streamed down when he asked me how I was doing. Damned if I was gonna lie, cover up, or not express my truth, and I told him he caught me on a bad day, my little home just caught fire.

He held my hand and told me..."society only wants us to express the joy in our life... But life is filled with sorrow too. You go ahead and be sad, it's ok." With immense gratitude to find such a deep connection with a soft man in a hardware store, I went on to start my cleanup task feeling just a tad better. Somehow that brief moment of connection by sharing my life, my challenges, my truth helped me not feel so alone, and so sad. I mean...it is just a house. My soul longs for connection more than anything the little home in itself could bring me....





It wasn’t till a few days later after I had cleaned up all the glass and boarded up the place and the rains were coming down that I started to feel truly grateful and LUCKY. Realizing I was most likely spared a much worse disaster of myself or someone else getting hurt as well as my and other structures around me being spared.


And so I have yet another opportunity to rebuild.

To try again, to make better, to spiral upward instead of looping, to be grateful for what I have and what I know, and for who I am. An opportunity to lose my ego and leave it behind with the ashes on my floor to face up to the judgment coming....and rise from those very ashes....as a phoenix.



On Monday, my friend Mary was there for me even when her truck wasn't and she lined up her neighbors truck for me to use (thank you Valerie and Brian!) so I could get the place boarded up before the rainstorm on Tuesday.

I am now filled with pure gratitude. And have plans to have it all cleaned up and the floatation finished before December...my path crossed with a master Carpenter who has agreed to a working contract as well as be a mentor me for the rest of the work.

Because I know now....I just can't do this entirely on my own...

we all need each other on our journeys.

And tragedy is often the biggest and best way

 to help us 

learn, 

transform, 

let go 

and 

move 

to a better place.

WITH GRATITUDE

Breaking it down

Spent some time this evening with my recovering sick child dismantling the stove so I can get it up and running...temperatures are now dipping into the mid 40sF (7C) so having the fire roaring is a must now!

The stuff around the pipes came off beautifully (except for closest to the stove where a smallish section of the wrap fused to the pipe)...but the white Wrap elsewhere was like shrink wrap and left a gooey residue behind. Even the strongest tough adhesive and tar remover didn’t get it all off how I would have liked it. We did our best tonight and plan to reassemble it all tomorrow....stay tuned for the final reveal!

Scrubbing away the grime where it fused to the pipe  

Dismantled and almost cleaned

I kept laughing the whole time at the thought of me not realizing how obvious it was to take that protective wrap off...even when reading the warnings, for some reason it completely escaped me. So often I see this same thing with friends, family and acquaintances...something so obviously wrong in their own life that is not even on the radar for them....some will never see it, some will after the “damage” has been done, and some will wake up quickly and work their hardest to rectify it before it gets out of hand. Sometimes we are so close to it it’s hard to notice, that’s why it is so important to stay aware and mindful and check in with our deepest truest selves....as well as check in with our deepest truest friends...often we and they will have the insights our busy external selves will miss or even purposefully avoid!

Can I be any slower?

Ok, I'm not talking about slow as in the progress of my final touches (like the floating part of this "floating" home with heart)...I'm talking unwrapping packages properly!

That smoke I was getting yesterday (and ...gulp, today) was from the protective film wrapped around my entire stove!

OMG....I can be so dense at times (ok don't all agree at once...those who personally know me!)

Yeah, I was so upset that all the pieces were "painted" white and that my pipes had writing on them. Then OMG the Cubic mini guy writes me after I send him the pic from yesterdays post and exclaims...
"BUT you still have the protective film on the wall mount and the pipe. It MUST be removed, if not it can melt and get fused to the metal. Also that can be what is smoking. Thank you"

Well it finally dawned on me that it could be peeled away! DOH.

It takes a big Wo-man to admit her faults and this one is really knocking me out of my ego....which is good...I'm always trying to find ways to keep that three letter word in check anyway. 

So, now I get to spend the next little while dismantling everything to get it all sparkly silver and then...then I can use my stove in comfort!

Please, some newby learn from my mistakes!

All fired up

it’s been a long break with summer fun and lots of fall travel. Back from trips to Maryland, Pennsylvania, South Korea, Iceland, Ireland and England and now I’m ready to focus again in getting things done in my little home!

Today I installed the last section of pipe for my stove so it would be higher than the loft and I started up the stove! I realized I had been scared to light it up...since I installed all of this myself, I was nervous I may have done something wrong and lighting a fire would possibly burn something or smoke me out unexpectedly.

Well, I had to just extinguish those fears, come up with a backup plan and just light my fire!
This little grizzly really throws the heat! I’m super impressed! I’ve had an electric space heater running all night and it was still chilly inside, one little bit of wood and paper and my little home feels nice and toasty! I love being off the grid!

I think I need to play around with the settings, after a little while I did start to notice smoke inside. Not sure why yet. Another mystery to figure out. Stay tuned...or better yet...leave comments to help me troubleshoot!

Ok read the operating manual and found this golden nugget...


Nontoxic smoke will be emitted during the first hour of operation as the paint is
curing. Open windows or hatches as required to vent cabin. Or you can cure the paint outdoors by attaching a couple sections of stove pipe to the stove and lighting it outside. To eliminate the odor can take up to 20 – 30 hours of burn time.

Feeling better I did things right...burning off the shit so I can keep warm!

stove ready to go

I mostly just tidied up today....after I slept in to 7am....


The stove is now officially able to work...only it's been so hot lately the thought of starting it up to test it out isn't very appealing.

I put the fireproof roxul insulation around the stove pipe and repositioned my fabric and am both excited and nervous for that first day I get to test it out!

Fire maker is here!

The cubic mini Grizzly stove arrived today and I am utterly shocked! I was so excited I took advantage of the light and the helping hands and immediately installed it....now to just get the roof piece and I'll be heating with all the scraps I made doing multiple wrong cuts for my stairs!

I can't believe it!

easy install since all the hard work was done yesterday

-----------------------------------------

4/3/18 update

I am so frigging upset right now! I just went to the stove shop in Salisbury and was extremely shocked to find out that the six attachments I need to get the pipe through the roof will cost almost 1.5 times what the stove alone cost. Of course, by the time I added the extensions I needed to cover the distance the pipe needed to go to get out of the roof I was already way over what I expected price wise. 

This extra cost was NOT at all anticipated...and then i was "burned" again by my lack of research into pellet stoves that wouldn't need all the same attachments because it doesn't burn as hot as a wood stove. However, my dream was to get free firewood from the woods nearby, and so....I pay more to stick with my plan....to realize my vision. 

Sometimes you have to learn to let go in order to move closer to your dreams...

...and in this case, i am learning to let go of my attachment to money!

things are heating up!

Stair treads installed!

And looking FAB-U-LOUS!!!

finally trimmed out the crooked window!

up close details...damn I am getting GOOD! ;-)

I am so happy at the outcome of these stairs!

NEVER GIVE UP! 

that's my lesson.

It felt so fabulous to trim out these windows that have been waiting so long. I don't know what I was avoiding...

suppose I was just waiting for the proper inspiration to come along and tie it together for me....I'm glad I waited...I love it.

Finally all of the insulation is covered...
last barnboard row sets it apart and i love it

I got a super HUGE surprise in the mail today...I just put my order for this stove in...it said it would be 3-4 weeks...I got it in 3-4 days! AMAZING....so I spent the end of today installing the wall hanging unit where I wanted it. Aiming to have the top of the stove at countertop height so it will feel like a regular cooking stove next to the counter! And it will be near the futon, so it will be fun to cuddle up on it and get warm with a nice cup of tea or cacao drink! :-)

getting ready for the wood burning stove!

The best part was having my kids happily hang with me all day. Sure it was Easter, but we bought them some material of their choosing so they could cuddle in for a movie later and they learned some skills and practiced some techniques as well as lent me much needed hands to help  me make sure everything was level and solid! Awesome helpers!

having fun with the drill gun.

undoing some of my earlier stair mistakes

popping packing bubbles was the highlight for this gal!